no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
