Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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