It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
