is your mom at the bar?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
