idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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