i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
