Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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