dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
