Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
