sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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