I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
