i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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