I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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