Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
