i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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