just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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