so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
