I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
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You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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