EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
