there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it