I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs