he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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