If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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