Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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