Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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