if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
