So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
