You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
