The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
