apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
