dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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