Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
