I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
