I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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