Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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