I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
