What a fucking waste of an outfit
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
