when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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