i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
