so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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