and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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