JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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