When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Couch. On fire.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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