I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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