You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
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In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
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I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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