This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
