I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
