If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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