we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
