I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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