after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
did i just pee glitter
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