Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hippo gnu deer
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.