I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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