Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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