I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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