I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
