My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
