It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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