if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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