I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Enjoy the penises
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
